A year ago was just yesterday, and a year ahead will be only tomorrow.
The truth about being pregnant is that it's been hard. My whole life I've never had to slow down for anyone or anything. I am a busy body with big plans and long to-do's and the last few months have really taught me a lesson about myself.
This isn't about me anymore. I knew it going in, and I realize it loudly these last few weeks. My body is failing me, growing tired, heavy, and weak. Sickness, bloating, the inability to go to the bathroom, flooding emotions & changes in my body remind me that I is no longer singular and we are one unit, trying to get through 40 weeks and safely make it to the other side.
The hardest question I have been asked is: Do you like being pregnant?
Honestly, no, I don't. I actually seriously hate it! I'm pretty sure I could detour any woman from every wanting to get pregnant! I always thought one day I would find myself in a sunny, perfect morning-pregnant, and beaming with the beauty and life that is motherhood. And the truth is, that day has yet to come for me. It has been a rough road for me, losing control over a life I had tight reigns on. Some days, a lot of days, I am cussing at all the gross and perverse things that are going on with my body. We still call baby parasite, but it really is. Day after day it continues to suck the life out of me!
I no longer have a work out buddy because I flat out can't keep up any longer. My runs have become more run/walks and it's only because Kyle and I are doing the Turkey Trot in Thanksgiving I'm still going strong with the run/walks. You'll still find me teaching spin, but there is a whole new meaning to spin these days and you'll find me in the pool swimming and doing "pre-natal" activities.
I was given maternity clothes that I don't fit in yet, but every morning I stare at them in my closet thinking oh my- I'm growing into those....I NEVER EVER wanted to grow into my clothes! I've never been a naturally skinny person and I never will, but I work out really hard and work to be healthy and some what at a normal size. But with pregnancy there is no hope, I eat healthy and I workout 4-6 times a week but there is still weight gain. I go to the doctor, stand on the scale and close my eyes I just can't bare to see the number on that stupid dial. Yes, I get I'm growing a baby inside of me, but mentally I can't get the drive out of there to lose weight. This is by biggest struggle. A few weeks ago we met some friends for drinks (yes water was my drink) and I know he was just joking and really kidding, but he said "looks to me like your letting yourself go." Again he was joking and there were laughs, but I just started crying. I think guys especially have no clue and you know for most girls they probably could of laughed it off, but not me. I'm working my butt off to be healthy throughout this pregnancy and to gain only what baby and other gross stuff makes me gain, but my body is changing in ways I don't want it to and there is nothing I can do about it. It's probably different for people who never struggled with their weight, but for me this is a constant battle.
Pregnancy sucks, but this is our baby and I love it in ways I've never loved anything before. I love it like a thought or idea or figment of my imagination. A story, daydream, or vacation planned 9 long months in advance.
But it's still a parasite. Making me sick, tired and emotional. I'm okay with this conclusion I have come to, and don't feel like it makes me any less of a Mother to feel this way.
So I guess I have to be honest and say that while I love the reward, the daydream, the figment that will be here this Spring, I don't love the process.
But I also will say that for every 346th time I go to the bathroom, or for every smell that makes me gag or pair of jeans I outgrow, there is something special, and almost, maybe almost sunny-beautiful-beaming-
As miserable as this pregnancy has made me, going to the doctor this week, hearing the heartbeat and watching baby on a screen for a hour and a half helped me realize there will come a day where the miseries of this pregnancy will be a faded memory and we will have a precious baby to love, hold and care for the rest of our lives! The smile on this sweet little face keeps me going every day!
Here's to baby growing strong and healthy!
Mary
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